I have a friend of mine, and he wouldn't mind me saying this. When he was younger, his mom took an insurance policy out on him and then fed him battery acid in an attempt to cash in. By the grace of God, the acid for whatever reason (be it supernatural or whatever) never went past his lips. Unfortunately, the scars remain on his lips, neck, and face. When finally able to visit her (dad wasn't there), now as a man, what would become their relationship was forged with each other sharing the Sundays he was allowed to visit, letters, and eventually emails. I recall the major moment in his life when he told me he accepted Jesus, studied true forgiveness and eventually genuinely forgave his mother for her mistakes, absence, and his many years in foster care and eventually group homes and overnight visits to jail.
I admire his ability to forgive though I've never been able to master it on my own. This week, I lost one of the men who played the role of my spiritual father for several years of my life. My biological father did everything a man should do for his son. I searched for this in my faith walk. Unfortunately, I was never able to find it. Do I love him? Absolutely! It's only an Agape type of love but I do. I admired his love for God. I admired his work in the kingdom. I admired his work in ministry. I love his teaching style, his effort, and his resiliency. He was a man who left us to soon. My father died early as well, and I miss him. He never got to see the man he knew I was capable of becoming. I also, at times, still feel I need him so I could bounce ideas off of him such as these.
I also knew another side of my bishop. I read countless recants of his accessibility. I read how he was only a call away. I read of his passion. This was the man I didn't know. I remember a man who never came to see me while on suicide watch. I remember a man who knew I was on suicide watch and after seeing me return to his church NEVER once asked me if I was okay. I remember his wife's blatant attempts to look past me or through me.I remember a man who never returned my phone calls. I remember a man, who seeing me coming, made an obvious attempt to walk in the other direction and grab someone he clearly wasn't talking to so he wouldn't have to deal with me. I remember a man who took the time to go on the local news and state his views of the need for stronger marriages in the community of believers; but I also remember that man giving me his behind to kiss when mine was in question (maybe because my wife was too precious of a commodity to not pull further and further away when the truth is a wife should come before her pastor).
I forgive him. I love him. In some ways I will miss him. That's the presence of God in me. I will continue to pray for a wife who lost her husband, children who lost a father, and grandchildren who lost a grandfather. That's the human side of me; but what I haven't matured to yet is the man who can forget those issues. Some would call this petty. Some would say my timing is off. Others would agree or say I'm honest. To say, I feel a way I don't does me no service, doesn't fool a God who created me, and damn sure doesn't change what happened. It's a necessary part of my journey; and wherever that journey leads me to next, my fantasy of me elevating to levels he couldn't reach and him remembering his failures in our relationship is dead now.
Did I, at times, want revenge? Yes. Was that wrong? Absolutely; but honestly, we played for the same team. We were two men who were different who could have been an awesome combination together reaching lost souls in two totally different ways. Now he's gone; and I'm left to wrestle with the conflicting ideas of seeing myself as a man that would gain my own audience and one day use that as my platform to bury him for his mistreatment of me and the ideas of how this man's ministry would grow to be one of the ones I admired the most and hoped to emulate. Maybe this is how the man feels who sees that father pass that never acted like a father. That feeling I will never know thankfully. This feeling I know all to well. As great as I've become, I still have a ways to go. They say honesty is the best policy. We'll see........
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www.teamgq4eva.com
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